My Silent Footsteps

Communication Woes

2012-02-12T21:57:00.001+08:00

You know I hate talking on telephones

I'm so sorry it's just my way

The Kooks in I Already Miss You

I'm typically awkward on phone conversations. I hate making calls and I certainly hate receiving them, too. It's not that I choose to be awkward using this form of communication but I simply can't help turning into this super awkward girl whenever I receive a call. I try to be normal but in my attempt to do so I only become increasingly awkward.

Whenever I find myself needing to make a call to someone (not friends), I almost always write a script before hand. And practice. I try to think of possible responses and questions that might arise during the conversation. Let me tell you, my anxiety level spikes whenever someone speaks in a manner that throws me off my script.

Yes, I'm awkward like that. :p

I used to think that I was such a freak until I was exposed to Anxiety Cat and realized that there are others like me. Haha. What a relief to know that I'm not the only one!

You can imagine the torture I go through at work, what with needing to make so many calls in a day. You'd think that after some time it wouldn't bother me but unfortunately, it isn't so. I think my senior consultant got really annoyed with me last week when I emailed instead of called someone regarding some work matter.

Okay. I learned my lesson. I'll never ever email when I can make a call...at work anyway.

If I had the choice I'd much rather text, email, or IM whenever I can. I never make a call if I can help it. I hate webcam. And I certainly loathe Skype-ing. It's no wonder introverts have such a fun time communicating in the working world.

I figure one day if I choose to have my own company I'll make it completely acceptable to text, email or IM at work (well, for small matters anyway). Until then this introvert has to be in complete out of comfort zone during work hours.

Article

2012-02-12T12:30:00.003+08:00

An article from today's The Star newspaper:

Job-hoppers rely on 'parental net'
Youngsters readily let go of jobs because family is willing
to support them

Eek, don't wanna turn out like this. Tempted to rip this page out so that my dad doesn't read it.

Good Morning, KL.

2012-02-10T07:36:00.000+08:00

I think the best part about starting your day really early is the moment where you have that quiet time to yourself; to sit at some mamak, to have your thoughts to yourself, to read, to sit in silence, to have coffee or teh tarik as you sit idly, watching the world wake up, watching the sun open its sleepy eyes, shining down on us with light.

Good morning, KL.

Nope, this ain't KL but resembles what I see every weekday morning.

The father's words.

2012-02-08T21:58:00.000+08:00

His thoughts:
People today are so weak. Can't handle the stress and they quit. No job is catered to fit the individual. A big company can't craft their organization just to fit one person! That person will have to change to fit in with the organization's culture. Either that or start their own company with their own culture. Otherwise they can fuck off.

True dat, Pa. I'm listening.

Reading between the lines.

2012-02-08T21:27:00.001+08:00

Boss: Why do you want to quit?
Employee: I'm not passionate about the job.
Reading between the lines: I fucking hate doing this shit day in and day out. To the extent that I'm ready to slit my wrist at the end of each day.

Boss: Do you think you need to spend more time working here before you decide?
Employee: (Shakes head) No, I've made up my mind.
Reading between the lines: God, no. Doing the same shit day in and day out with little room for career growth? And barely any job benefits? I'm leaving while I can.

Boss: Do you have a better offer?
Employee: No.
Reading between the lines: I work 6 days a week. When do you suppose that I even have time to go for an interview?

Boss: We were actually planning to renew your contract. I'll speak to C and let him know. He'll want to speak with you.
Employee: Okay.
Reading between the lines: Fuckitty fuck. I can't wait.

Lessons from the past.

2012-02-06T22:32:00.001+08:00

"If you're trapped between your feelings and what other people think is right, always go for whatever makes you happy."

In hindsight, I'm realizing that I've been placing other peoples happiness above my own. Which speaks loudly in regards to my sense of self-worth. Apart from that, there's also walking away because you're too afraid of the consequences of taking that first step out of your comfort zone.

If you're walking away because you're afraid, you're walking away for the wrong reason.

The Rookie Mistake

2012-02-04T16:14:00.000+08:00

So you clock in and out, 5 to 6 days a week. Punching in early, punching out late. Flip, flip, flip, goes the time. Look at your watch only to see, my oh my, has time flown by.

Did I really spend so much money on tertiary education only to end up doing this load of shit?

Find your passion. And, for the love of God, go through your contract thoroughly. If you wake up in the morning struggling to get out of bed then it's not worth your time. You gotta love what you do is you're gonna maintain your sanity. Sometimes you're better off being a little poorer than the rest if it means achieving happiness in what you do.

And you can tell the rest to fuck off because they're not living your life. You are.

:)

The Early Morning Commute

2012-02-04T06:53:00.000+08:00

And in the early morning commute, amongst the many sleepy faces in the train, we sit down, only awake enough to get ourselves where are we. Just one among many, this painting of sleepy faces. We go through this every weekday morning, this sordid life, of work and play and work and work. We may boldly state despite our obvious state of sleepiness, that we showed up in life, despite how we feel.

Welcome to the working world.

Is it the meds?

2012-02-01T23:01:00.001+08:00

Maryam asked me if there has been a change in him earlier in the car when I was sending her home. I said, "Not really." But thinking about it now, I have to say: Yes.

When I came home from dinner it turns out that he had actually ironed my work clothes for tomorrow. I mean, how sweet is that? For someone who never used to lift a finger or do anything for anyone. This was monumental.

He's becoming less selfish. And I am wow-ed.

Anyways. With work, I'm always up by 6.20am or so. But today being FT day, I got the day off. My alarm rang (I had set it to ring every work day at 6.20am) and as I woke up from my deep slumber, I had actually laughed as I turned off my alarm since I knew I didn't need to go to work today.

Can you believe that? I actually laughed upon waking up. I didn't think such a thing would be possible. Regardless. With all the bitching being said and done about work, I have to say that I absolutely must make time for friends, no matter what.

The first two weeks of work was horrible. I came home each night miserable. In my third week, with an old friend back from Australia (and heading back real soon with the possibility of making her life there; hence, here I am not knowing when I'll see her again), I'm realising that no matter how shitty I feel, I have to make time for my friends.

And it doesn't even matter if I end up sleeping past my bedtime. I wake up the next morning, perhaps still a little sleepy but I feel energized because... that's how my friends make me feel.

Besides, I always feel better after meeting up with them. Which is why I've now decided that even if I'm tired or may not always feel like it, I'm going to make it a point to meet up with friends whenever I can. I didn't realise how much time work took up. By the time the weekend comes I find myself choosing to hibernate in my room, though what I've been doing, I can never seem to recall.

But.. today has been a productive day. Hurried to do all that I wanted but it was still alright. Met up with some wonderful friends. Did some quick shopping (needed work clothes like, pronto!). Didn't have much time to shop but it was better than nothing, I guess. Managed to squeeze in a run at Taman Tun with all this pent up energy that I've been feeling (it needed to go somewhere or I'll just drive myself crazy). Had dinner with the MACYS. I feel tired, but the most important thing is that I feel good.

I'm just happy to be around people who make my frown go upside down. :) Nights people. Will start blogging of things of substance when the muses move me. ;)

Why don't we ever listen to ourselves?

2012-01-21T23:55:00.000+08:00

...and whenever you find yourself feeling unsatisfied with life, ask yourself, what can I do to get what I want and need in life? What am I doing wrong? What do I need to change? What are the steps that I can take to make it happen?

Noisy Neighbours

2012-01-21T17:47:00.001+08:00

I wonder if Nurul's noisy middle eastern neighbours moved to Tropicana? Like, next door to my house?

Two

2012-01-21T16:12:00.000+08:00

They say that the world was built for two

Only worth living if somebody is loving you

Lana Del Rey - Video Games

Design II

2012-01-20T22:55:00.002+08:00

The design of this blog needs work. Too lazy to make any necessary changes for the moment. Might do a proper makeover for the blog, probably during the weekend.

Can't fight the introvert in me.

2012-01-20T22:04:00.001+08:00

I think the writing profession would fit me very well. To be able to function on a lone island. Though, I do admit that my writing could do with a lot of improvement.

Nothing like spending 10-11 hours in the office with the duty of speaking to too many people, making all those calls, for a majorly introverted person to come home and not want to listen to anyone speak, nor to engage in any conversation whatsoever. I completely shut down by the time work is over.

All I long for when the day is gone is to have a piping hot teh tarik in hand. To maybe sit in silence, or to have my headphones plugged in my ears as I let the days events wash over me. Apart from that, I do not want to be approached. I do not want to be around anyone.

I can finally understand why I feel so drained at the end of each day. The reason I come home each night, feeling like all life has been sucked out of me. Remembering those horribly low extroversion scores in the NEO PI-R is suddenly emerging in my mind.

Wrong profession? Clearly. I need my escape. Being around people for too long, plus all those conversations? My sanity is on the line.

This is what I want by the time work is over.

Moving

2012-01-15T21:04:00.000+08:00

Soo... I should probably start packing but why can't I seem to move it, move it?

Carparks.

2012-01-14T21:02:00.000+08:00

That moment when you're walking in the car park and all the drivers looking for parking spaces start following you. The whole thing wouldn't be anxiety-inducing if you could, for the love of god, remember where the hell you've parked your car.

Stay calm.

2012-01-11T19:48:00.001+08:00

And... today's lesson includes: Sometimes the mouth and the brain works at different intervals. The mind says one thing but somehow along the way, maybe some neurons misfiring or just something, the mouth articulates some random answer that leaves the mind going, "What the fuck? I didn't tell you to say that!"

Okay. I'm trying really hard to stay calm. I'm trying really hard to see things in a positive light. I'm trying really hard to convince myself that, this will be a great learning experience. And though I'm afraid, scratch that, terrified of falling in my face, wouldn't I live with the regret of trying and failing than never trying at all? Than wondering, what if? That blasted, dreaded "what if?"

Nerves, be calm. Yasmin, you can do this. I can do this. Believe, believe, believe.

Sarcasm

2012-01-11T15:59:00.000+08:00

Stole this from Maryam's Tumblr.

I. Love. This.

Though, I wonder how they came to this conclusion? Or was it meant as a joke? Either way, what's not to love? :D

Oh, Gandhiji Look Alike

2012-01-11T15:41:00.000+08:00

Had an interview this morning. Must say, went better than I expected. Was interviewed by two people. When it came for the final interview with the manager, he asked me: Name me two leaders who aren't Malaysians whom you respect.

Me: *shitshitshitshitshitshitshit* Oprah Winfrey. Yadda, yadda, yadda, humble beginnings, an inspiration
to women everywhere, has accomplished so much despite trauma of being raped as a teenager, yadda,
yadda. *Second leader? Looking everywhere for inspiration before stopping to look at the managers
face. He's tall. He's skinny. He's bald. He's Indian* Gandhi!

Manager: *Stops looking at my resume and looks me in the eye, a very amused look on his face*

Me: *Can't help wondering if he gets that answer a lot before going on to explain why Gandhi is a
leader whom I respect*

Sarcastic Series: Part Deux

2012-01-08T17:39:00.005+08:00

The Sarcastic Cover Letter

Dear ABC,

My name is XYZ and I am recent graduate from BLAH who majored in Psychology. Though the term ‘fresh graduate’ may be an euphemism for lack of experience and knowledge, what I make up for this include having the right character.

Now, you as the prospective employer would be lucky to have me because firstly, I am a blank slate. Meaning: I do not have years of bad habits, rage issues with office politics clinging inside of me, holding me back and affecting my perception regarding work and the office environment.

It's like a brand new start! You can mold me, shape me, teach me, and I will be a sponge and grow in the direction of your sunlight to become a perfect fit with your company! How's that for becoming a great asset, huh? No years of horrible habits to undo, har har har!

I obtained consistently good academic results whilst studying in university and this may provide you with an understanding to my character which includes being extremely anal about my grades, thus, working like a mad dog, bugging lecturers on what exactly they’re looking for in order for me to do well in assignments. I also possess the mind set of not caring what and how other people are choosing to go about their assignments because once I know what needs to be done, I’ll do it my way and lo and behold- I get the grades to prove it. How’s that for proof of a results-oriented person, eh?

I can promise you that I am an extremely good team player- I’ve often completed the work of socially inept groupmates who are incapable of playing their parts of a group assignment. Not only have I done a four persons load of work by myself, I've also gotten good grades for the assignment! So as you can see, not only does this show that I can get the job done, but I am also capable of getting the job done without needing to glorify to the world that I had done it myself. The grade that I (I mean, we) obtained is still reflective as a team effort and so chances are I would fit perfectly into a corporate climate where (often) the superiors get the glory and praise of a job well done that they haven’t, in the literal fashion, done or lifted a finger in.

Team player- check!

(I must say, don’t I sound more and more like the perfect candidate?)

Though, far from being perfect, I must admit to lack a certain quality that all you high flying companies seem to be looking for- leadership qualities. Yes, in the past I have been known to shy away from any roles that would force me to step into a leadership position.

Now, before you berate me and give me points of deduction for not being up to challenges, let me say that I have, for all my young life, never been interested to be placed in a position to lead. In fact, once upon a time in my freshman year of college, a lecturer took it upon himself to name me editor of a newsletter assignment, taking back his word of having a democratic process whereby the small number of students in the class would get to vote who would best serve as editor.

In all my naivety, not only did I let every single student in class step over me and hand me their articles in such a late fashion and blatantly ignoring the deadline that I had set (which, by the way, completely fucked me up as I was left with a ridiculous amount of time to edit their sloppily written work), but the final product of the newsletter was, a complete and utter piece of shit.

Now, if you’re still following me on this CV that I am writing, you might recall that I mentioned something about graduating with a Psychology degree. Now, being so ever inclined to learn more about myself and my personality, according to the Myer Briggs test, I am an ISFJ which shows that people like me do not like to lead.

Having said that, I am a staunch believer that anyone can be taught leadership skills- and love it, too. Now, here is something about me that you might want to remember- I am one who voraciously reads and tries to imply self-growth lessons that I come across. I have been reading lots and lots of John C. Maxwell’s books on leadership and I must say, give me some time and perhaps I will like to assume a leadership position, though, hopefully, not anytime soon.

So dear future employer, let me sum this up for you:

1) Consistent good grades and results oriented. You can’t consistently get good grades without at least putting in some good ol’ hard work now, can you? Positive work ethic, yo!

2) Excellent team player (need I repeat myself? I get the job done, no matter the fools on the team!)

3) Having a failed leadership experience will only serve as a reinforcement for an anal, uptight, and results driven girl like me to never repeat the same mistakes again! I vow to be a better leader in the future, should I find myself in such a position. Also, who knows, by the time I have had some working experiences under my belt, I may even want to assume a leadership role! And by then, I would have had both the knowledge (remember my voracious reading?) and the motivation to assume it! How’s that for a rockin’ combo? Let me see your hands up!

So! I hope this CV stands out from the thousands of fresh grads who are also vying for the same position as I, and that I have demonstrated important traits that your company has listed in the job requirement- creativity and original thinking- in this CV.

See? I’m not just talking the talk, but I’m walking the walk, too! Demonstrating that my words are of substance, how’s that for another positive trait, eh? Now, if you like what you read and would love to know more, you can contact me at my cell (xxx-xxxx-xxx) or email me at iamawesomeandyouknowit@iamawesome.com.

Looking forward to your response. Thank you.

Sincerely,

XYZ

A Little Inspiration to Get You Through the Day

2012-01-08T15:16:00.001+08:00

Go back a little to leap further.
John Clarke

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.
Mart Twain

The essential thing is not knowlege, but character.
Joseph Le Conte

Failures do what is tension relieving, while winners do what is goal achieving.
Dennis Waitley

Something to keep in mind.

2012-01-08T14:45:00.002+08:00

The questions for each man is not what he would do if he had means, time, influence and educational advantages; the question is what he will do with the things he has. The moment a young man ceases to dream or to bemoan his lack of opportunities and resolutely looks his conditions in the face, and resolves to change them, he lays the corner-stone of a solid and honorable success.

Hamilton Wright Mabie

Stumbled

2012-01-06T02:16:00.001+08:00

You've been Stumbled!

A member of the StumbleUpon user community added your page to StumbleUpon's index of high-quality, human-curated content.

Um, this explains the spike in views of my blog?

*Self-conscious mode on*

Misconceptions About Psychology Students

2012-01-06T01:57:00.003+08:00

I've been meaning to write about the misconceptions people have over Psychology students for the longest time but I don't know why I haven't physically gotten myself to do it until today, almost a month into graduation. I've had this conversation with other friends (also Psych majors) about the stupid things people say to us when they find out that we're students of Psychology.

The number one misconception:
1) We can read minds.

My first experience with this statement was about three years ago when I was at the gym. A regular gym goer, N, had been asking me what I was studying in college. The moment the word "Psychology" escaped my mouth, his eyes brightened and he went, "Oh! So you can read minds! Tell me what I'm thinking now."

I laughed.

A couple of seconds went by and N was still silent, looking at me with his big brown eyes, waiting for an answer. I was a little slow at getting there but it finally dawned to me that the man wasn't kidding when he had asked me to tell him what he was thinking, just by me looking at him then and there.

I could only stare at him with my mouth momentarily open (well, I'd like to think that it was only momentarily anyway). It was in that instant where my respect for this man shattered a little. I had known N for many years and he was the nicest and friendliest guy at the gym. He seemed to be doing well at work and he was definitely well liked. But his state of ignorance on Psychology was something that was a major turn off.

No. Psych students can't read your bloody mind. I think, for the most part, we can't even read our own bloody minds. Sorry to shatter that illusion.

And you know the funny thing? Some people actually choose avoid us when they find out that we study Psychology. It's because they think we can read their minds and so they avoid us like the plague. They think they can't hide anything from us.

I don't know what to say to this. (Two words come to mind, though- mind fuck). I guess we could play around with them for a little while before exposing the horrible truth- gasp- Psych students can't read minds!

Another thing that gets on my nerves is when people start telling me their problems and expect me to give them objective and sound advice, purely because of my "Psychology background". Having an undergraduate degree in Psychology does not make me qualified to counsel people, nor does it make me comfortable to think that I have a better insight to their problems.

Don't look to me for advice because I studied Psychology, please, I beg you. Look to me for advice because you think of me as a friend who would like nothing more than to help you by offering my insights to your problem, or simply because you need someone to listen.

You might wonder, "Isn't Psychology all about the study of the human mind and behaviour?" It is. But four and half years down the road and with my degree in hand, I still find myself asking, "What did I learn from studying Psychology?" I'm still figuring this out, y'know?

Another misconception people have is that they think we (only) deal with crazy people. If you think you're crazy then yes, we only deal with crazy people. And obtaining an undergraduate degree in Psychology doesn't make us Psychologist, either (you need a doctoral level degree in Psychology to be considered a Psychologist, if I'm not mistaken).

I was just having this conversation with a high school friend earlier this evening. We shared the same thoughts about not being aware of such myths until we became students of psychology. It's frustrating, y'know, having to explain this to people all the time. Sometimes I feel like letting these people go on with their misconceptions. Though, what does it say of me, letting the people whom I've come across to wonder off with these misconceptions, ultimately because, these misconceptions also involve me?

And so the battle continues.

So what's Psychology? I challenge you to look it up. I trust that it will be interesting enough to keep you glued to your computer screen. And I trust that if you use your sound reasoning skills, any ounce of logic you possess, you will see that we can't read minds. Perhaps sometimes we might have a better understanding to people and their backgrounds but no way would I go as far as to say that we can read minds.

The truth is out there, you just need to find it.

Design

2012-01-04T18:21:00.000+08:00

I've hated my previous blog design but was too lazy to make the necessary changes. In the midst of doing 'what I'm supposed to be doing', I deviated from my task and started Googling images for my blog. I wouldn't say that I love the current design but I do like it much more than the previous one.

Did add two more things by the right side of my blog, thought it was a nice change. Anyhow. Don't be surprised if I do switch around with the blog design every now and then. It just means that I haven't found one that I love.

Thought

2012-01-04T18:03:00.001+08:00

Reading between the lines,

you ran away,

and now I'm here to say,

I didn't mean it that way.

Another one

2012-01-03T02:21:00.002+08:00

This was definitely the case when I was working on my thesis.

Anxiety Cat

2012-01-03T02:08:00.000+08:00

Used to do this a lot as a kid. Sadly, even today, me and the brother sometimes do this when the newspaper man comes to the house with the bill and we don't have the money to pay him.

Family gatherings and anxiety.

2012-01-03T02:00:00.001+08:00

Had to endure a family gathering today. Sure enough- anxiety.

From the moment that I stepped foot in the compound of the aunt's house, my heart was pounding. I looked at my watch and hope that we'd be able to leave after an hour.

We ended up staying for over 2 hours instead.

Met the cousins whom I've not seen in 8 years. Didn't recognise R, male cousin, thinking he was his dad. The female cousin, M, is the same as ever. The aunt hosting the gathering introduces my dad to everyone in the vicinity (who didn't know him) and told them about how the dad had saved her son's life when cousin R was a child. She tells that story every time she introduces someone to my dad. I think this is probably why we are closest to her when it comes to my mum's side of the family.

An hour into the gathering, the cousin from New Zealand notices me and shakes my hand and gives me a hearty hug. By this time, me and the brother were sitting quietly on a sofa, eating, and only speaking to each other, too shy to speak to the other aunties, uncles and cousins who's names we are uncertain of.

Kiwi cousin asks if I've met his wife and kid and I say no. He drags me out of my comfort zone and into the social circle where his wife and kid sat. We say our hellos. I get nervous when the conversation gets dry and started babbling about how I spent 6 months in Canada. And then I babbled some more about not knowing what kind of job I'm looking for. And then the conversation gets dry again.

Kiwi cousin asks his son, my nephew, to give me a hug. Kid stands awkwardly. Kiwi cousin encourages son again. Kid stands closer to me (wraps his right arm around me awkwardly). I awkwardly pat his back and we broke apart from each other. Kiwi cousin, his wife and I shared an awkward laugh. I get more nervous about how uncomfortable I was getting and how much I was sweating and excuse myself, saying that I needed a drink.

I go back to the safety zone of the sofa. Another aunt sits next to me and starts talking to me. She talks about her sons (my cousins, none of whom I remember) who are in Melbourne and Tennessee. The whole 20 minutes that we spoke, I was trying to remember what her name was.

About an hour and 15 minutes into the gathering, the father walks towards me and says that we'll leave after the brother has finished eating. I sense he can't wait to leave as well. I pester the brother to quickly eat. Instead, he goes for another 3 rounds of cake and lamb.

Eager to avoid anymore awkward conversations, I busy myself with a game of snake on my old school Nokia. And finally, finally, the brother finishes his fourth round of food, I tap the father on the shoulder indicating the brother had finished his meal, we say our goodbyes to almost everyone (I had skipped a few goodbyes to some uncles and aunts by pretending I hadn't seen them in my haste to leave the house) and we leave.

In my attempt to forget and to get over this evenings unpleasantness, I decided to check out anxietycat.tumblr.com because Nurul mentioned it this morning about how I reminded her of it (I was whining about how much I didn't want to go for the family gathering earlier in the day to the MACYS, sans the A).

I couldn't help but to laugh at some of the posts on the blog. It's definitely taking a bit of the edge of the high levels of anxiety that I was experiencing this evening. I figure I've had my share of family togetherness for, at least, half the year, after tonight. I don't think I can stomach another family gathering if we were to have one anytime soon, it's just too painful. One dosage a year is bad and awkward enough as it is.

Reducing Stress in Job Interviews

2011-12-28T18:06:00.001+08:00

I was on Dummies.com reading their article on ways to avoid stress during job interviews. I've copied one of their tips that got me laughing myself silly.

Tips to Avoid Stressing Out in Job Interviews

Push away anxiety: Go into a nearby restroom and lean into a wall like a suspect being frisked in a cop show. Push hard, as though you would like to push the wall down. Grunt as you push. It sounds funny, but try it — it works. Speech coaches say that when you push a wall and grunt, you contract certain muscles, which in turn reduces anxiety. Don’t let anyone see you do this exercise, though — heaven knows what an observer might think.

Can you imagine yourself in the restroom of the company where you will shortly be interviewed? Imagine one of the employees walking in in the midst of your anxiety reducing exercise and their reaction to you pushing the wall, grunting away.

That person might think you were some horny devil humping the wall. Not to mention that it's a highly inefficient way of presenting yourself to the company when one of their employees sees you doing this. Wall humpers (at work) are certainly not a desired trait among employees and chances are, it's not fitting to their corporate culture.

The Woes of Writing a CV

2011-12-28T01:27:00.001+08:00

High caliber candidate?

Oh cover letters, an opportunity to write a mini, eensy weensy short story about the best aspects of yourself. The truth must be present, though, presented at a minimum on certain occasions. Your awards and recognition are to be elaborated but craftily written to not let hubris show itself.

Volunteer and relevant work experiences are to be inserted. The skills or knowledge obtained from these experiences are to be highlighted and, hopefully, demonstrate your management or (or and) leadership capabilities that will offer the recruiter knowledge or hope that you can someday be groomed (after adequate experience and mentoring and what not) into a future leader of the organization.

Motivation to pursue other activities and initiative to learn new skills should be demonstrated as proof to your personal character, emotional fiber or the sort.

Phew.

No stress in the job hunt? You gotta be kidding. Writing an impressive CV and resume (that isn't a sky high stretch of the truth) is only half the battle. Coming into that interview room, looking and acting like the right person for the job is another battle altogether.

Goodnight cruel world.

Sarcastic Job Interview

2011-12-27T01:01:00.004+08:00

The first question that employers usually ask is, "Tell me about yourself."
I mostly want to say:

I'm a recent graduate who did a double major in X and X. My grades were okay in college though I wished I somehow managed to graduate with a first class degree. I don't really know why exactly I'm applying for this position when I don't even know what I want to do. I'm taking this interview as a learning experience so even if I flunk this I have the comfort of knowing that I'll probably (well, hopefully) never see you again.

I'm a hard worker and I like biting off more than I can chew because stress drives me. I don't mind working OT because I'd rather be working than going out to watch a movie. You can trust me to get the job done because I like keeping my word and keeping to deadlines. I don't mind team work if I get to work with people with good work ethics.

I hate how companies like to say that they're looking for "dynamic individuals" because, honestly, it's overused, don't you think? You want to hire someone with fresh ideas, start by getting a thesaurus and find a new word to replace "dynamic" in your job description and then you're walking the talk. Lead by example and I would love to join your company, if found suitable. :)

Unless you want to be shown the door, we sanitize our thoughts and say less socially awkward things instead.

Can you imagine a world where everyone said exactly what was on their mind? The human race would probably cease to exist because everyone would probably be ripping each other apart that we'd bring ourselves into extinction.

Now

2011-12-25T15:57:00.000+08:00

I feel so close to you right now

It's a force field

I wear my heart upon my sleeve, like a big deal

Your love pours down on me, surrounds me like a waterfall

And there's no stopping us right now

I feel so close to you right now

Calvin Harris - Right Now

The end.

2011-12-25T15:52:00.001+08:00

Oh 2011, haven't you been a memorable year?

Some of my highlights this year include:
- Literally had the best time in uni (friends played a monumental role in making this the case)
- Graduation dinner. Specifically, the before & after dinner was the best :)
- 6 months in Canada (the people I've met, the lifestyle, mass consumption of coffee, soaking up the beauty of Vancouver)

The lows:
- Not having the courage to go after what I wanted

The fact that I can barely recall the lows shows how much they weren't a big deal or how much the good things that happened kinda overwrite the bad memories. For the most part though, I have been very blessed. I felt very loved. 2011 has been a pretty good year, thinking about it now. Sure, I had my sad moments but in retrospect, they weren't overly defining.

I do feel like I've grown a little.

Though, hitherto, anxieties are kicking in about next year. The whole, what am I going to do? Will I find a job? And not just a job, but a job that I love, that allows me to grow as a person? Will I find my passion?

I don't want to think about the what if's anymore. It's painful and it's a waste of my time. I can't turn back the clock, I can't change the past. All I want is to have the courage do the things that I want to do, to act despite the presence of fear. That's what I want for today, for 2012, and for anytime after that. For the courage to live, for the courage to be happy, for the courage to live without regrets.

Merry Christmas, all.

MACYS

2011-12-25T12:38:00.000+08:00

Awh, two tumblies have been posting up some pictures from graduation night and it's making me fee sad :( Will be missing an A from the MACYS real soon and not long after that, we'll be missing an M, too.

The letters are falling out :(

Memories

2011-12-22T23:59:00.000+08:00

You oughta know

Tonight is the night to let it go

Jay Sean - Down

Swimming Turtle

2011-12-21T14:01:00.001+08:00

Penyu!

I gotta admit, it's pretty exciting to get snail mail that isn't asking you for student loan payments, or getting bank statements, etc.

The next time I'm abroad I'm definitely gonna do the postcard thing.
Thanks, Nurul!

A lucid moment.

2011-12-20T23:10:00.000+08:00

Trying to see what's real in a life filled with ideals. It's nice to walk on the other side from time to time but nothing beats the closeness and familiarity of what has grown close to the heart. Get there and your heaven walks with you, wherever you may go.

Find peace with yourself and move on, because no one else will get you there. At the end of the day, you're the one carrying the baggage of yesteryear's while others may watch and ridicule.

When the time comes for the flame to extinguish, no one else will be there to take your place, so why spend all this time wondering what other people might say?

A thought during a drizzly run.

2011-12-20T22:49:00.000+08:00

The worst crime you can commit? Not pushing yourself to reach your full potential.

..but there are always contradictions.

Butterflies

2011-12-18T08:34:00.001+08:00

..I can listen to the butterflies that flutter inside my head. To hear them, one must be calm and pay close attention, for their wingbeats are barely audible. Loud breathing is enough to drown them out. This is astonishing: my hearing does not improve, yet I hear them better and better. I must have the ear of a butterfly.

The Diving-Bell & the Butterfly (p.104-105), Jean-Dominique Bauby

Upside Down

2011-12-17T16:23:00.001+08:00

So I stopped by a friend's house today because she wanted to lend me her makeup for my graduation dinner tomorrow. She's asked me this several times before but today she asked me again, she wanted to know why. About my lack of concern about my appearance, my inability or stubbornness to try new things and to change my wardrobe.

She insisted that I could be pretty if I would apply some changes to my looks.

There will be no physical changes if there are no internal manifestations. That much we all know. I think, throughout the past few months there are tiny little changes here and there. I would say that I am slowly changing and adapting towards a... girl-lier nature. Haha. And why? Simply because I have changed as a person.

Ask me early this year and I would say that I would like to change the way I look but was too afraid and was too uncomfortable in my skin to do anything. Ask me today and here I am telling you that I have made some changes. I'm a little more open and I am trying.

I mean, a major change is me buying a dress! Good grief, I haven't owned a dress since I was about 8 or 9! And here I am at 22 with a dress in my closet because a friend convinced me to go for graduation dinner which initially I would have said no to because that would mean that I'd have to wear a dress, get myself dressed up and attempt to look pretty. And walk in heels. But I am going for the dinner. I'm going to wear a dress, I'm going to wear makeup, and I'm going to wear wedges.

How's that for change, eh? :)

So, yes, changes, I have gone through. Perhaps they seem rather minor to some but to me these steps were ginormous leaps. And, I do love my friend for her honesty, and she's been wonderful- taking me shopping and guiding me on what to buy, what to wear it with. I can be a little lost when it comes to fashion, mostly because I haven't developed an interest in it. Partially because I'm afraid of turning into a person who gets too caught up in what I'm wearing. I'm afraid of becoming too superficial.

Maybe all these weren't really reasons but excuses. Excuses for not wanting to change, excuses for avoiding change because perhaps I was afraid of changing, it would mean being in an out of comfort zone.

Are you alive

Is there a young woman hiding inside

Does she know that we're trying to help her

Is she totally frozen with fear

Can she feel can she hear can she see?

If you let her come out for a day

She might even like it and stay

But it's gonna take you to invite her

Coz you seem to determined to spite her

KT Tunstall in Another Place to Fall

I think KT Tunstall sums it up perfectly.

Changing wasn't (and isn't) an easy task. It takes time, it's sometimes frustrating, and it gets uncomfortable. Try it and you might like it. Try it and you might hate it. Try it and it might make you happier. Reason for change? The why has gotta be bigger than the how. Only then you will find change occurring.

Last weekend's lesson.

2011-12-16T13:28:00.000+08:00

Be the right person, in the right place, at the right time.
What you focus on will expand.
Nothing has meaning except the meaning I give it.
Act in spite of fear, doubt and worry.

Sources, unknown.

Quote

2011-12-15T10:44:00.000+08:00

Some people can perform complex algorithms in their head but don't know when someone needs a hug; high IQ, low EQ.

Craig Harper in Intelligence.

Say It Now

2011-12-11T21:21:00.000+08:00

It's too late when we die

To admit we don't see eye to eye

So we open up a quarrel

Between the present and in the past

We only sacrifice the future

It's the bitterness that lasts

Mike & The Mechanics - The Living Life

Ain't that how it always is?

2011-12-11T21:17:00.000+08:00

Crumpled bits of paper

Filled with imperfect thoughts

Stilted conversations

I'm afraid that's all we've got

Mike & The Mechanics - The Living Years

Stars

2011-12-08T21:12:00.003+08:00

Itunes is playing songs that I used to listen to during my first year of college. I'm feeling rather sentimental now. I can't believe that it's been almost 4 years. Looking back, I was so naive and young and ... unknowing.

And how do I feel now? Rather lost, it seems.

Do I feel wiser? No. Do I feel more grown up? Less so. I simply feel like there's so much more that I need to learn and experience. I don't know where I'm heading. Not knowing this is rather scary and daunting.

I make a wish on a star at night

The brightest star that's in the sky

Only to have realized

That it was just a satellite

Lyrics from Zee Avi's song Monte.
Who hasn't felt this way before?

As Always

2011-12-08T21:04:00.002+08:00

Life has given me obstacles

Still I bite my tongue say it's wonderful

Zee Avi - Monte

Wise Up

2011-12-07T19:15:00.012+08:00

It's not what you thought

When you first began it

You got what you want

Now you can hardly stand it though

By now you know

It's not going to stop

'Til you wise up

Aimee Mann - Wise Up

Graduation

2011-12-04T17:24:00.001+08:00

So I had my convocation today. Truth be told, I'm kinda glad that I ended up going because it really was a good experience. It was so lovely to see old college mates after not seeing them for so long. Had some time to catch up with old friends and I felt somewhat left behind when it seems that almost everyone who finished the same time as I did have already gotten jobs and I'm still... unemployed. :p

But anyways. Putting on my graduation gown this morning, I couldn't help but to smile to myself. I felt like I was Harry Potter, putting on my cloak and was heading to Hogwarts. The only thing missing was my magic wand.

I wore my mum's necklace since she couldn't physically be here. I wanted something that used to belong to her with me, hence, the necklace. And my family isn't known to be affectionate or the sort. We barely hug, and my dad barely expresses any affection or praise, so it was kinda nice today when he asked my brother to take a picture of him with me, and he had his arms around me. And my "stepmother" came with the biggest bouquet of roses for me. It was such a surprise because I didn't know that she was coming. I was shocked because she was crying as she gave me the flowers, saying how proud she was of me. Even my brother surprised me at how he was trying to capture as many pictures of me during graduation. I know it's his way of showing affection, because in our family, we never show how we care about one another with words. And hardly ever with actions either, but today was different I suppose.

The flowers are heavier than it looks.

I felt touched, and despite everything that's been happening, I'm very thankful to God.

As my dad, brother and I were huddled in a corner eating lunch, my former Anthropology lecturer came up to us and said to my dad that he must be very proud of me because I'm a "good student" and have been "very consistent with my results". Haha. I was embarrassed but it was kinda cool for her to say that when she's only taught me once and that was ages ago. Which reminds me of a former lecturer of mine in my previous college who said to us, "If you think that it's only student who talk about lecturers, think again. Lecturer's talk about students, too."

Gossip works both ways, I guess.

And I remember I nearly threw up on the train when I was in Canada because I had gotten an email from the college saying that they wanted to interview me as members of the faculty choose me to be the student speaker at graduation. I quickly emailed back, saying I was out of the country and won't be back till late November. The thought of having to give a speech at graduation made me want to hurl, and in the end I am kinda glad that I didn't have to give the speech. The girl chosen to be the student speaker instead gave an excellent speech and I don't think anyone could have topped that.

And today made me feel really bad about how I've been treating my family ever since I came back. I've been really angry and frustrated at them and I haven't been afraid of showing it. But today kinda reminded me about how much they still care. And things haven't been perfect at home but when will life and relationships ever be perfect, anyway?

But moving on. Enough of the sappy talk. My feet hurt like a mother and I'm ready to chuck my wedges out the window. I'm tired and sleepy but I'm going to make myself some coffee and start job hunting.

Enjoy what's left of your weekend, everyone.

Student Loan Woes

2011-12-01T13:57:00.000+08:00

Was checking the status of my PTPTN loan. Keyed in the necessary information, etc. Waited for the page to load and in big fonts, the first words I see in the loaded page are:

Anda Tidak Ditawarkan UJRAH

I don't get the reduced interest rate of 1% :(
Sigh.

A View

2011-11-29T21:39:00.000+08:00

"I'll tell you this: not all our imams are qualified and come with certificates. Not all of them went to Al-Azhar University, and most of them do not have the intellect to cope with the changing world."

Taken from I Am Muslim (p.201) by Dina Zaman

Søren Kierkegaard Quotes

2011-11-28T17:24:00.001+08:00

People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use.

The function of prayer is not to influence God, but rather to change the nature of the one who prays.

Prayer does not change God, but it changes him who prays.

If I am capable of grasping God objectively, I do not believe, but precisely because I cannot do this I must believe.

Home

2011-11-27T11:00:00.000+08:00

So the sucky thing about going away for 6 months with two small suitcases is the lack of space. I bought a bunch of stuff that I thought my friends would really like only to realize when I'm packing for home that I do not have enough space in my suitcases. So I bought all these chocolates and cookies only to have to leave them behind. So I'm sorry folks! You'll each get like one tiny thing but that doesn't mean I don't love you. :p

I even had to leave behind my running shoes and clothes but I'm more upset about the former. So I guess I have an excuse to get new running shoes... and I am itching for a run and itching and itching for the gym.

If you asked me what was the best thing about my trip, I would have to say the new friends I've made. As corny as it sounds, I'll truly cherish the memories I had with them. The only regret I have about my trip was not investing in a camera to capture the beautiful scenery. An iphone just doesn't cut it, but I did the best with what I had.

But anyways. I'm tired, I'm jet lagged, I'm annoyed at the state of the house but I'm in a better mood now that I finally have the internet to work on my computer. My phone isn't working so drop me an online message if anyone needs to reach me. I guess I'll see you guys soon enough, with graduation around the corner. :)

Brrr.

2011-11-18T12:03:00.002+08:00

It's snowing!

Response to Tumblr Post

2011-11-15T07:21:00.000+08:00

I laughed so hard reading Miss M's Tumblr post. But don't you think it'll be creepy, taking pictures of good looking gay men? LOL.
I'll be back November 27th, 1am-ish. :)
And, don't go to steamboat without me!

Muacks!

The Post-College Fear

2011-11-15T04:17:00.002+08:00

"People think you have to travel around the world, experience new things etc to find what you love to do. No. You just have to sit down and decide. The answer is already within you."
- Brian Kim in How to Find What You Love To Do

Mm hm. I'm learning that.

I thought by coming to Vancouver, that might give me an opportunity to sit at some coffee shop (as if you can't already do this in Malaysia) and people watch (as if you can't already do this in Malaysia). Have quiet moments with my thoughts. Think. Sip coffee. And think. I thought by being in a foreign country, by being away from home and by being around different people that an epiphany might hit me.

Almost 6 months down the road and I still have not come to an answer regarding what it is I should be doing. For someone who loves spending most of my time by myself, I spend a ridiculous amount of time thinking of other things and of other people than actually thinking about what I'm passionate about.

I let my mind wander so far away that it's lost its way to myself.

December is coming and it's making me uncomfortable. It means a new year is coming. It means more changes. It means some friends going away. Some friends drifting away. It means finding job. Hoping that I'd get one. And hopefully, love it enough that I won't go wasting my life away, spending hours at something I hate or am not passionate about.

I'm scared and worried about not being ready to cope with change but the fact that I'm still standing here is enough evidence of being able to cope with change, right? You don't enter your twenties without going through some major changes, after all. I remember being scared of the transition from primary to secondary school (secondary school was horrible). From high school to college (probably one of my scarier moments but college turned out to be the best years of my life, thus far). There's always a moment where you'll be afraid and it's always hard to adapt in the beginning.

In periods of uncertainty there is always room for growth. It can truly be an uncomfortable process but hey, recently I've heard that being scared is just a part of growing up (picked this up from Jay in Modern Family). And I guess the thing about living is that you'll never stop being afraid. And if you never stop being afraid, you're living.

And that's something worth doing and enduring.

Post College

2011-11-10T07:26:00.001+08:00

Ah. So there is a term for this little funk that I'm in.

"Post-college depression."

Nesting Insecurities

2011-11-06T03:41:00.000+08:00

..and when the earth's core breaks

my heart opens

insidious creatures buried within

nails dug deep inside of me

my heart weakens

my heart flutters

in my mind's confusion

lays the monster, nesting its eggs.

Falling for fall.

2011-11-06T00:50:00.000+08:00

Granville Loop Park.

Granville Island is such a cool place.

The blueberry scone was alright, probably would have

tasted better if it was warm from the oven.

The Belgian chocolate brownie was pretty awesome.

By the dock, beautiful view.

Two Worlds

2011-11-04T08:49:00.000+08:00

To you, I'm the one with an accent; to me, it is you.

Isn't it interesting how we were planted all over this world, only to find ourselves, our lives, intertwining with one another. Sometimes clashes occur, but sometimes matrimony is found between what was two polars.

The day I walked into a shoot.

2011-11-02T11:08:00.000+08:00

So I was in Yaletown today and accidently walked right into a movie/TV shoot, not sure which (Vancouver is a popular place for movies etc to be shot, after all). I was walking along a sidewalk when I noticed about 10 people or so lined up. I wondered what these people were doing lining up by the sidewalk because it was cold and they weren't standing outside a coffee shop or a store. As I walked passed them, all these people were smiling and looking excited. Some of them were staring at me as I walked past.
I continued to walk along the sidewalk and paused when I came into an alley and noticed cameras and a crew, shooting some people standing by the sidewalk. I was completely surprised at the presence of the cameras and how they were hidden from view as I was walking down the street. Within a split second I realised that I had just walked into a shoot. I remember standing there thinking, "Fuck! What if the crew gets pissed off that I accidentally walked in on their shoot and ruined everything?"

I was going to quickly turn around and hurry across the street so as to not ruin their shoot but very quickly, this guy comes out from no where and walks beside me and says in a hushed voice, "Don't look into the camera, just walk. Go go go!"

And walked, I did. Like the wind.

I kept my eyes on my feet as I quickly hurried away from that street. Later, I sent a text to my sis and she laughed, saying that I'd unintentionally became an unpaid extra (it later occurred to me that those people lining up were probably extras, waiting for their cue or something). The sis has seen so many shows being shot here in Vancouver. I've been here for almost 6 months and saw nothing. Until today.

Haha. I was all jakun. But it was kind of a jolt and a wtf moment, because I'd never imagine myself walking into these things.

But ain't Vancouver awesome? Unexpected surprises just lurking in an alleyway, ready to pounce on you.

O' Canada.

2011-10-31T04:07:00.000+08:00

I think, a major lesson that I've learned ever since I've been here is to never say never. I know, it's so Justin Bieber-ish but it's true.

In some ways I've been limiting myself in life by saying that I'm never going to do this, never going to do that, but some of those shells were broken when I stepped foot here. I'm kicking those pieces around now. Sometimes you wanna scream, "Fuck that shit!" (Gee, where did all the anger come from?)

But for now, I can cross one or two things off my bucket list.

*Excuse what seems to be a very haphazard post. I guess I have a lot on my mind. :p

New Westminster

2011-10-27T03:18:00.000+08:00

You can probably tell by now how much I'm drawn to purple flowers.

I love how blue the sky was.

Was walking home from Walmart when I saw this.

I love the red leaves.

Colourful leaves.

Fall is such a pretty time of the year.

At Burger Heaven, New Westminster. One episode (or more?) of
Supernatural was shot here. Never really seen the show
so I might've been more excited about eating here if I was a fan.

It was a pretty cool place to eat, though.

Fooood.

Apartment

2011-10-27T02:58:00.000+08:00

Half of the living room.

The other half.

The balcony. Stand here long enough and you might just see the

creepy old man in the opposite building.

Bedroom.

Journals

2011-10-17T05:27:00.000+08:00

From Shahirah's blog.

I can totally relate to "To be honest, we came up with the hypothesis after doing the experiment." and "The results are just 'OK'."

Statue and Time Lost

2011-10-17T05:23:00.000+08:00

Sometimes we try to find meaning in things and in places that have little meaning to start with. Sometimes we try to figure out "life". Trying to figure out what it is that we're meant to do.

I think if we decided to sit down and decipher life, we'd be sitting down for a very, very long time.

It's Just a Shame

2011-10-11T07:21:00.000+08:00

Just as I thought it was going alright

I find out I'm wrong, when I thought I was right

s'always the same, it's just a shame, that's all

Genesis - That's All

Mercy, Mercy Me - The Strokes

2011-10-01T11:26:00.001+08:00

Chocolate covered apples, fudge, and all things contributing towards

a growing epidemic- obesity.

Currency tracking experiment- cool stuff. Tried logging on to the website written

on the bill but it didn't work.

Unagi egg don, I think it's called. It's what I ate

to 'celebrate' Raya. Super yums.

At Pride Week (Gay Parade).

The sugarbox says: Don't be a pussy, just wax it!

Still at Pride Week. A snippet of what the parader's paraded in.

I can imagine Maryam going, "Oolala!"

There were more obscene costumes, none of which were caught on my camera.

At Capilano Bridge. Didn't see no slugs but there's such a thing called "banana slugs".

Gross fact #1: Their slime is so thick that they can

move along a blade of a knife without getting cut.

Hand Sanitizer

2011-09-15T09:24:00.003+08:00

Omg, lol.

What I like about Vancouver. ;)

2011-09-13T04:19:00.000+08:00

Cops on TV are often fat and ugly. The cops I've seen in Vancouver are quite the opposite- Fit, lean and handsome, and they know how to handle troublemakers.

A Cup of Coffee

2011-08-24T03:56:00.001+08:00

We can smile and laugh and watch the world go by,

we can share some coffee and make our pennies last,

we can tease and smile and let reality slip by,

and once time catches up we can let our hearts fall,

into this abyss and call it quits,

for this moment I stand, ready to say goodbye

for good things never last but I'll remember you well.

Chew on this.

2011-08-19T03:55:00.003+08:00

From Psychology Today:

"...look for opportunities to feel cared about. Most of these will be small, passing moments when someone is sincerely thoughtful, friendly, or concerned. Look behind the eyes of people, and see the human caring for you when it's there - even if it's masked behind formalities, a prickly personality, too many words, or no words at all."
- Rick Hanson

Something worth munching on. :)

Toast and marmalade for the tired soul.

2011-07-27T11:19:00.002+08:00

Had a couple of tiring days. Usually what follows this "brink of exhaustion"... or rather, to accurately reflect the true nature of my being- fatigue- I usually want to come home and put my feet up on the coffee table and watch TV (preferably a comedy, or anything that doesn't require much thinking). And eat a little too much food. Like toast with jam and butter. And to be home alone as I participate in this unhealthy binge so that there will be no witness as to how many slices of bread I can consume, and for no one to witness my moment of cessation of thinking and participation in mindless eating. (And, I don't even want to think about the calories.)

Buttered toast with marmalade - best comfort food.

There is no greater comfort than toast, smothered in marmalade and butter.
And do you know what the best part is? I always feel better after this sinful indulgence. :)

Toodles.

Within Me

2011-07-14T02:45:00.000+08:00

Happiness

More or less

Is just a change in me

Something in my liberty

The Verve - Lucky Man

The missing linchpin.

2011-07-05T04:19:00.001+08:00

People assume that because I studied Psychology, I must be able to read people really well. And such assumptions have left me questioning myself: "What exactly have I learnt from studying Psychology in college? What am I getting out of my degree in Psychology?"

And I have no answer, which I find disturbing.

I was watching the trailer of 'Post Grad' which a friend posted on her blog. It seemed to depict the same problems or at least, resonates a little of what I think and feel about me finishing school. The 'feeling lost' and 'not knowing what I want', etc. The trailer doesn't seem like the movie is going to be excellent or anything but I'd like to watch it anyway. Only because I feel like I'm in the same shoes as the main character. Ho hum.

Anyways. I probably need to stop writing here; pretty soon every post is going to be about how lost I am and how I don't know what I want, yadda yadda. ;) Gonna make myself some PB sandwiches with banana. Hoping everyone is doing good.
Xoxo.

What's happiness?

2011-07-05T02:11:00.000+08:00

"Are any of the things that make you happy in fact vices?"

Holy mother. That's a good question.

Something pretty.

2011-07-03T13:15:00.000+08:00

Flowers on the ground, outside the apartment building.

Pretty flowers in a neighbourhood (Granville).

Walking along some apartments, Granville.

Death by Chocolate.

The sky, as I was waiting for the bus.

Vegas

2011-07-01T05:46:00.000+08:00

I never wrote about my trip to Vegas. I spent pretty much whatever money I had on food. And it was worth every penny because I always had to pack my food so it always lasted 2 meals. I really wished that I had money to see the Grand Canyon but oh well. And the "O" show. But like my sister said, maybe next time.

But Vegas was enjoyable. It was hot, though. But it gets hotter soon, so I guess it was good that we went when we did.

Anyhow. At the hotel, me and the sis were hanging in the pool. A drunk 21 year-old came to us, offered us some rum and for us to come by his cabana to hang with him and his friends because they had lots of alco and plus, he had just turned 21 the night before. The sis dissed him in a nicer way than the group of girls he'd approached before us. Lol.

And we had a good time giggling at the vain lifeguard who spent all his time sitting by the side of the pool, flexing his biceps and checking his abs while he worked on his tan.

I didn't have a great first impression of Vegas; we had an awful landing. I always get airsick but in the few times that I've flown, I swear, even as I got off the flight I felt shaky and light headed. The pilot mentioned something about there being a rough landing because of a combination of the hot air and what not. And yes, it was the shittiest landing and I thought we might just die in a plane crash.

On a whole, Vegas is really beautiful. Terrible traffic but lots of interesting people to observe and its great for sightseeing because it's so different from what you're exposed to in Malaysia and Vancouver. Not to mention that there are really great places to dine in, if food's your kinda thing.

Just a passing thought..

2011-07-01T05:09:00.002+08:00

Good friends we have had,

oh good friends we've lost along the way

In this bright future you can't forget your past

So dry your tears I say

No woman, no cry

Bob Marley - No Woman No Cry

Fridge magnets.

2011-07-01T04:54:00.003+08:00

I really need to start learning the names of flowers.

2011-07-01T04:52:00.002+08:00

La dee da.

2011-06-21T03:38:00.000+08:00

Lack of updates as to what I've been up to has been...scarce... because I haven't been going anywhere :( It's a combination of me being a little... as a friend put it, "introvert-emoness". Haha. Okay I have to admit, I was a little down because it's been stressful and I've been feeling that it's hard to adapt to life here.

I feel so out of place and I think I'm having a bit of a personality crisis. No I'm not kidding. I truly feel so lost with myself. And when I feel this way... any time I have to myself, I stay to myself, in the room. Couldn't muster the strength to go out exploring on my own. No mood for pictures and what not.

But hey, I'm going to Vegas on Wednesday. Been trying to save as much as I can. My sister recently reminded me that the money we've saved for Vegas isn't really that much because *I forget* in North America and America, tipping is required.

Big sigh.

So you know, tipping the bell hoppers, waiters/waitresses...won't come cheap. At times like this I miss Malaysia. Most restaurants here, tipping is like 5% of the bill. And taxes, oh my God- 12%. So you see, I hardly ever eat out because it's too expensive for me. But Vegas is gonna be all about food, the pool, and whatever money I have left for a little bit of shopping. Kinda wish I had more money for this trip to see the Grand Canyon but maybe next time.

Anyways, I need to look up for Groupons for Vegas. Hoping that all you beautiful people are doing great with your lives, that you're enjoying work, and to those who are still studying, that college is still... well. Not taking the fun out of your lives. ;)

Haha. Love you all very much.

Looking back.

2011-06-19T16:12:00.000+08:00

...and sometimes there's a reason we continue to look back into the pages of our past. Maybe some things meant more to us than we dared let our consciousness know. Maybe we realise now that some risks were actually worth taking. That some scars are worth having. Some scrutiny was worth tolerating. That these discomforts were worth enduring because regret is an emotion that lingers harshly with the soul, weighing us down when we thought ourselves free.

Cat

2011-05-30T07:04:00.000+08:00

This-is-the-biggest-cat-that-I-have-ever-seen-in-my-life.

This cat was sitting outside the balcony in the apartment that my sister shares with her roommate.

Today

2011-05-28T00:19:00.002+08:00

I'm in the midst of packing for my 6 month trip. I didn't expect the packing to be so difficult. I thought it'd be easy- chuck my clothes into the suitcase, add some toiletries and the stuff for my sis and her boss in Canada but...

Oh God. The size of my suitcase is limited. And my dad's spare suitcase isn't working, which means I really need to pack smart. My friend's mum advised me to pack a few clothes and buy the rest when I'm there (long story on why this should be the case, shall write about it in another post, perhaps when I'm stuck in Shanghai Airport for several hours).

Hating the packing process. It's so much harder than I thought it would be.

I'll need to rise early tomorrow and do a load of laundry. I don't fancy bringing dirty clothes in my suitcase. Followed by meeting an old friend. Then meeting my high school friends. Then I'll need to buy my Canadian poe, and come home and do some last minute packing (please, let it be a sunny day so my clothes will dry) and then dinner with the family and finally, the airport.

The past week has been filled with preparing stuff for the trip and squeezing some time to meet up with some lovely people. I'm not much of a social butterfly- the process of going out everyday is really wearing me out. Would like to see a few more people before I leave but I honestly don't have the time and energy.

I'm going to miss my friends. Family. My car (will kiss it goodbye because I'm not going to see it when I come back). Will miss teh tarik dreadfully.

In all, today has been such a fantastic day- it was a real girly girl day, what with cutting my hair, DIY dyeing, some laughter, pizza, pictures, modelling clothes, makeup, more "modelling", long and hard talks that forced me to look into my insecurities.

I'm physically and mentally drained. And I'm still not done packing.

Expect more short (and even long) posts from me when I'm out of the country. I might deviate from my usual style of blogging into something... less seriously-like? I don't think that I'll be posting much statusus on Fb, though I do owe some people the "pleasure of what I'll be up to in Canada" which means that I'll need to post some pictures on Fb for their easy viewing. :D

I'm beat. Got lots to do tomorrow so I'm off to bed.
Goodnight, goodnight.

Life, a play.

2011-05-25T21:29:00.000+08:00

A theatrical fool,

longing to be unseen,

yet remaining large at sight,

all wounds in sight.

The Crossroads

2011-05-24T14:34:00.001+08:00

One of those moments where you're wondering why things turned out the way they did.
One of those moments where you wonder, what if?
What if, what if, what if?

There's something my uncle had said, when he had been talking about past regrets and future fears. He was saying how when the time comes for him to go, that hopefully he'll be ready and wont be intruded by thoughts of past regrets.

Sometimes it feels like the regrets I have conflict with a matter of principles and values. Conflicted between what I should and shouldn't do versus what I feel I want and need. And when the two collide... ultimately, it really boils down to values- do you stick to your values, or allow yourself to bend it in order to get what you think you need?

A few weeks back when I had been talking to a friend at the gym, he told me, as long as what you're doing feels right, that is, if you don't have thoughts in your mind doubting yourself and your heart isn't feeling burdened by it, then, "Insyaallah, I'm sure it's the right thing."

He had been talking to me about work and honesty because I had confessed that I felt so lost with what to do with my life. And then he said, "You know, it doesn't matter whether you were brought up in a religious family or not. It's not your fault if your parents aren't religious. But if you ever feel lost, pray to God. Ask God what you want."

Kanye West raps in Jesus Walks: I want to talk to God but I'm afraid because we ain't spoken in so long.
My sentiments.

The number of unpublished posts that I've written about religion and my confusion has been sitting in my inbox for so long. I've reread some of them, deleted some, while others sit where they were, untouched, un-edited.

I think I'm in one of those moments where I need to lose myself in order to find myself. I'm feeling rather lost. I'm feeling as though I don't have an identity anymore. I can't call myself a university student because I'm done with uni. I'm not working, I'm unemployed. I feel like as though I'm too naive to enter the working world with "the real" adults.

Geez, in all honesty I feel like a kid who needs to be told what to do.

I'm hoping that by going away I'll find myself a new identity, because the old one doesn't seem to fit me so perfectly anymore.

Sometimes in battle, it's best to retreat

2011-05-21T17:18:00.000+08:00

God may forgive, but that's not enough

Cause I gotta live with myself, till I'm dust

Dan Auerbach - Heartbroken in Disrepair

Saying

2011-05-18T13:35:00.001+08:00

"What you do shouts so loudly in my ears that I cannot hear what you say."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-bytes/201105/love-without-trust-is-not-love-all

Interesting article. I think it can definitely be applied to other relationships as well, not just romantic ones.

Louder Than Words

2011-05-17T21:09:00.000+08:00

I can hear your thoughts

Like footsteps in the dark

The pain stirs in your voice

Cuts like daggers to my heart

David Guetta Ft Afrojack - Louder Than Words

It doesn't matter how many times over the past few weeks that I've listened to this song, I still love it to bits.

Take a day to show you care.

2011-05-08T23:16:00.001+08:00

...and do you know why Mother's Day, Father's Day, Valentine's Day, birthdays, etcetera, are so important? Because once you pull apart the commercial aspects of these "special" days, it teaches us a far greater lesson that we often may forget and neglect- the value of placing appreciation for those in our life.

I think there are many of us who go about helping those in our life because we care a lot about them that we are willing to go the extra mile for them. But sometimes they've come to rely on us so much that they forget to appreciate what they have. Or the other way round, even.

I think a basic need of ours is to feel loved and appreciated. In other words, basic needs to build our self-esteem. These little pieces- the compliments, the simple "thank you's" and "good job" are the pieces that keep our ego in place.

Don't we love people who make us feel good about ourselves? Does it not feel good to be valued, to know that we are needed, at least, to a certain extend? And don't we treat those who value us with respect? Though we may not always be pleasant to the ones whom we love, isn't there that deep sense of love and care for those who care about us?

Why else would we keep them in our lives if they were of no value to us, and vice versa?

So the message that I'm trying to pull through is clear and simple- appreciate those around you. Appreciate their effort, appreciate their patience for your (sometimes) bad behaviour(s), appreciate the moments that they've made you smile when you weren't expecting it, and appreciate all those other moments that they've helped add value to your life- good or the bad. Either way, everyone who crosses paths with you ables you to learn something, regardless of how long they stay in your life.

Their memories and lessons may linger much longer than their presence.
And for that, be thankful. We carry pieces of all those whom we've known everywhere we go. We've all had an influence on others, despite the varying magnitude of these influences.

If you haven't already taken the time to show or tell them this, that's partially why these "special" days have popped up. If you haven't already made it a habit to show appreciation and gratitude for those in your life, at least, show them on these "special" days, regardless of how commercial they've become. It's a perfect excuse, in case you haven't already taken the time do so.

It's a simple reminder of a deeper message that has sometimes been lost or buried deep under the rubble of monetary emphasis in order to fulfill some basic human self-esteem needs.

So take a day to show you care.
I know I'm trying. I'm still learning. :)

Change

2011-05-08T22:21:00.001+08:00

We may wallow in what's been lost, but through the neglect and abandonment we learn, we grieve, we grow, we cry, we laugh, and we be. We simply be.

We can choose to grow inwards or outwards.
At the end of the day, it all boils down to attitude.

Past events help shape us, though it does not completely define us.

May

2011-05-04T18:56:00.002+08:00

May is starting out rather solemnly.

G'night

2011-05-01T23:20:00.000+08:00

And I think it's time to say goodnight.

Ron Pope - Heartfelt Lies

Reciprocal

2011-05-01T23:13:00.000+08:00

You can have the worst shit happen to you, you can have people being downright unpleasant to you, but the true mark of your character is how you choose to react towards such things and people.

Out of my element.

2011-04-30T01:46:00.000+08:00

Another one of those nights where the thoughts stream from the deepest part of the mind, stemming from what's been buried so deep that you even forgot was there.

And tonight, amidst the noise and crowd and the hustle and jostle and all the judging, judging, judging... I don't know why the hell people became that way.

But I guess, standing in the crowd, I was one of them, and I was no better.
I just need to get out quick and see what's out there for me.

Nonsense and rambling, it's almost 2a.m. and I should be going to bed.

Blahs

2011-04-27T19:23:00.000+08:00

Feeling much better now that my thesis presentation is over. During the presentation, I kept trying to remind myself to keep calm and not screw up. I told myself that I did not want to present the way I did last semester and thank God, I didn't.

It wasn't a super amazing presentation or anything, I know I was talking too fast and at one point of my presentation my thesis advisor was frowning when I was talking about my results and that made me really nervous. I thought she had found something wrong with my results (or the way I presented it?) and that I was going to get shot down during the Q and A session but I figure since she didn't say anything... fingers crossed.

This time round it was so much less stressful because there was only two lecturers present so I couldn't be happier. Not to mention the support from friends and I'm really, really thankful. So friends, you know who you are, thanks for being there :) I appreciate it :)

I treated myself to a Secret Recipe cake today, after the presentation. I think I need the sugar to keep me up tonight, what with a last minute assignment to do, and some major major cramming to do for my Gerontology paper.

Two papers to sit and I am done with finals. Done with uni.
I'm excited with what's in store for me after uni.
I'm hoping to be pleasantly surprised.

:)

Coming to a close.

2011-04-24T23:22:00.000+08:00

The past week I've been feeling as though I have a serious case of "writers block".
Writers block when it comes to my thesis.

My god, I've spent so much time reading over journals and thinking about explanations for my results but I seem to be getting no where. I've spent all this time on my thesis that I've not touched my other assignment. That I've not studied for finals. That I've not done anything for my visa applications.

I'm so behind. On everything.

I find my mind being haunted by how I screwed up for my thesis presentation in the previous semester and I'm so afraid of history repeating itself. I don't want to mess up again, but at the same time I'm just feeling so bloody tired of everything, about how things are and how I feel.

I just need to think but my mind doesn't seem to function as I want it to; I can't seem to focus on my work. My thoughts are scattered.

I just want the holidays to start. Soon.

Changes

2011-04-17T01:28:00.006+08:00

Found this while reading one of John C. Maxwell's books:

Though you cannot go back

and make a brand-new start, my friend.

Anyone can start from now

and make a brand-new end.

Such a simple message/solution to solve such convoluted thoughts.

A little too introverted.

2011-04-10T23:07:00.003+08:00

So I was at the gym today and bumped into F, a guy I've known since I've started using the gym illegally at 12 (you had to be 13 to use the gym). He's been asking me to join him for a run in the past month but I've been dodging him. I've ran with him once and he was the type who liked to talk while running, something which I'm not always in the mood to do. I know he comes to the gym on Tuesday and Thursday evenings so I've stopped coming in at those times. Didn't expect to see him today but lo and behold- there he was.

Unfortunately I had been talking to another friend A, who told F that I wanted to run but chose not to because it was already 7p.m. It was getting dark so it wasn't really a safe thing to do, to go running on my own at that hour in Lake Gardens. So F, yelling from the other side of the gym, told me to join him for a run. I was wrecking my brain, trying to come up with a reason on why I can't join him but A had already told F that I wanted to run. I said yes but I wasn't up to it.

So we ran in Lake Gardens. The last time that I ran with F, he brought his friend to join us. I preferred it that way because then that person can have the burden of carrying the conversation and I can just run and enjoy the moment. But this time it was just me and F, hence, talking and talking. I wasn't so much wear-ed out from the run than I was from having to carry a conversation with him throughout the whole 45 minutes that we ran.

Sometimes I really can't help it if I'm a bit of a social recluse. I don't know why. I certainly didn't choose to be this way. There's this part of me who loves to meet new people and to get to know them really well. But then the problem arises when you meet these people at the place you frequently go to "be introverted", i.e., the gym, so you can't dodge them once you befriend these people. Because they're always there when you are, and most of them like to talk. And some of these uncles who like to talk don't understand that when you have your earphones on, it means "no talking to me, please".

After my run, I was previously planning on doing a bit more cardio in the gym but by the time I re-entered the gym I saw si botak on the cross trainer (another one who likes to talk) and decided that I was done for the day and escaped while I could.

Personally, when it comes to the gym, the extent that I like to socialize with people starts at "hi" when I enter the gym and ends at "bye" before I leave. Apart from that, I'm really not interested to talk. I just like to workout. Alone.

The thing is, the other gym goers are such nice and friendly people. They're interesting, I believe, if I make the time to talk to them but... I don't know. Call me aloof but I enjoy just being in my own world at certain times of the day, and during certain activities (i.e. gym, jogging, swimming).

I think sometimes my problem is that I'm a little too introverted. Maybe what I'm doing is pushing people away when I really could be enriching my world (and theirs, maybe?) if I would just open myself up to this sea of people.

Last year I took the Revised Neo Personality Inventory test and felt so disturbed at how ridiculously low I had scored in the extroversion domain (I've taken it twice since then, same scores). But over the past 8 months I've been in situations and places that has really shown me that the scores I had received had in fact accurately represented myself. I've always known that I'm introverted but these past few months have taught me that perhaps I've always been this introverted, only I hadn't been in situations to show myself this.

I find myself changing my workout times with the intention of avoiding people on the basis that I don't feel like talking. (Which is pretty often.) Not a good thing, I reckon? I surprise myself at how drained I feel when I need to carry a conversation with these people. I guess right now I'm at the point where I feel that I've got enough good people around me and that having conversations with them is all I need to make it through. Increasing my already small social circle is something which requires more "social energy", a limited source to begin with.

Well, not what I would call an accurate description on introversion but orang utan,
you took the words right out of my mouth.

I probably sound snobbish when I say that "I've got enough friends at the moment to keep me going" but I mean it in the sense that these are the people whom I take the initiative to talk and listen and to enjoy the moment with. I mean, that's introversion for you. Preferring your small social circle. Getting drained if the group expends, getting drained from socializing "too much" (subjective, I know).

I guess all I can say is that it takes one to know one.

G'night.