The End... & Something New

"This Thing Called Life"

December,

The last coat of paint to this impending doom,

The last coat of paint,

That covers the blemishes of what was once beautiful.

December,

Something new and old merges together,

It marks the end of a beginning,

It marks the beginning of an end.

All these memories are here,

and baby, it's time to decide which ones to forget,

and which ones will stay.

December comes,

December goes,

And when January begins,

Euphemism comes along,

Like a beautiful flower, it blooms...

Albeit, briefly.

Because we never forget what makes us happy,

But somehow pain and anguish creates a lasting impression,

Thickens as the year passes,

Growing more potent and pungent in our blood.

Because we let ourselves get so wrapped up in misery,

We're feeding the cancer that will eventually take us,

The cloud in our mind is the weapon of destruction,

Sometimes we cannot obliterate these cloudy thoughts,

And let ourselves succumb to this misery.

We are here, hanging on to another day,

Because once this cycle ends,

We know that February comes along with more surprises,

And so we hold on to this thing called life.

When Things Get Awkward

"I'm Outgoing, and you are...?"

I'm Shy.

"Nice to meet you."

Yesterday was my maternal grandmother's 90th birthday celebration. Almost everyone in the family flew in to Malaysia (most of them are working overseas) for the occasion. After all, it's not everyday that your grandmother turns 90.

So ...I'll be perfectly honest here. I really was dreading the occasion. Don't get me wrong, I love my mataji (grandmother), but it was the thought of having to endure a night of making polite conversations with family members whom I've not seen in years...It's not that they are horrible people. They're all pleasant and really nice; but at the end of the day, if you're not familiar with someone, well. Then it becomes an unpleasant situation.

There's the awkward moment when both sides don't know what to say to each other. And then there's the issue of not knowing/remembering the names of aunts/uncles/cousins whom I've not seen in over 10 years which I found daunting and simply so uncomfortable that it would have been far more pleasant to avoid the whole thing altogether. Quite frankly, I was tempted to stay home with some piping hot tea and re-read a favourite book.

But, like I've said, it's not everyday that your grandmother turns 90.
And, it's not everyday that family members residing overseas come here to visit.

So I gotta pluck up the courage and go anyway. Brace myself for the rain coming down in torrents, splosh through the muddy ground and enter the land of of the clan and, pray to God, please, give me the strength to get through the night and help me hide how socially retarded I am.

It's okay when you're "socially inept" at a young age. People can accept a shy 10 year old; but there comes a time when such ineptness is "unacceptable" for an adult. You're expected to carry yourself a little better.

My aunts, uncles and cousins seem to find it amusing that I am still so shy with all of them. I'm not extroverted or outgoing like many of my cousins so I do feel a little uncomfortable when I'm having a conversation with an aunt or uncle and do not carry myself the way my cousins do. I can't help to but to feel somewhat of a pressure to be more like them.

I literally sit quietly at a table, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible and dread having to make polite conversations with people whom are family but I'm not certain of their names. There is a big age gap between me and my cousins and it doesn't help that majority of them grew up overseas, so I've never met many of them until recently.

I think it's a good idea to have everyone wear name tags, especially in this case, when you've got eight uncles and aunts and so many cousins whom you've not seen each other in years, or haven't met each other before. What usually happens when we see someone whom we know to be our cousin but are unable to recall their name: They go, "Hey...!" and I go, "Hey...!" because your name escapes me (for them and for me). And there's also the awkwardness when you're not sure whether to shake an uncle/aunt's hand or to give them a hug. So you end up standing there with your arms limply by your side.

And the funny part is when one side knows the other person's name, and you don't. I got such a hearty greeting from a cousin of mine from New Zealand and, as touched as I was at the warm greeting that I was given, it was still weird when you're not certain who they are. Because it's like a complete stranger hugging you. While they're hugging you, shaking your hand enthusiastically and asking how you're doing, I'm feeling completely touched from their genuine concern and enthusiasm but I find myself thinking, "Who's this again?"

Yes, I'm 20. I'm not the super shy 10 year old that I used to be but I am still terribly shy around my mother's side of the family. I guess it largely has to do with the fact that I see them once every couple of years, so we've never actually established a solid relationship with each other.

I've forever envied friends of mine who are extroverted and have no problem making friends and carrying conversations with people they've just met with such ease. I think it's such an important skill, or trait. I genuinely would love to be less shy with my family so that I can get to know them better; because they're such lovely people and... they're family. You can replace your friends but who can replace family?

I guess the question remains: can shy people change who they are?

Some are shy but eventually grow out of it. Some remain shy for the rest of their lives. Some were shy when they were younger but as they get older, they're still shy, only not as much. So far, I find that I'm the latter. It's only under certain situations that I become ridiculously shy, like family gatherings, for example.

Well. My head is buzzing from all these thoughts.

Have a happy Saturday everyone. :)

The Ephemeral Happiness of Getting A Laptop

I'm in 'one of those moods' today. You know. The kind of day where you can't find any music to suit your mood. When food doesn't satisfy you, despite the initial craving. The kind of day where you recall all the times that you've tried but failed. The kind of day when you really need to go out for a run but then it rains.

Yes, I'm having one of those days. It doesn't help that I can't seem to concentrate on my studies...and mid-terms is next week.

I guess lately I've been confronted with some things that's somewhat... close to the heart. Ever experienced a time (or times) where you wanted something so badly- be it a job, something materialistic, or etc- was so close to getting it, only to have it snatched out of your grasp when it was right under your nose?

What's left is the raucous laughter that echoes in your ears.

Prolonged periods of daydreaming can stultify one's mind, I think. That's Graphic Design I class for you. It's the biggest joke of a class. I found myself feeling really angry when our design lecturer told us the other day that our Dean had actually told her to make the class as easy as possible. Definitely a 'wtf' moment.

What is the purpose of making the class so ridiculously easy? Isn't the reason why we are in college is to receive an education? To broaden our knowledge? To enrich our thinking and communication skills? To help us become 'the future leaders of Malaysia'?

Why are we re-learning what we have already learnt in the previous design class? What is the purpose of making us do puerile work such as cutting coloured pictures from the newspaper and then pasting them onto a piece of art block in the shape of any animal we desire? I mean, honestly. I'm completely baffled about the outcome they want us to achieve from this. Half the time that I'm in class I'm wondering why we are learning what we are learning, and the remaining of the time is spent wondering if the lecturer will let us out early.

But anyways. Moving on.

On Wednesday I was...really happy. I literally skipped up the staircase when my package from Dell finally came. When I reached the living room of the house, I allowed myself to jump up and down because I was so happy to finally get my laptop after over a year of saving up for one. My cat Tiger woke up from his slumber, bleary eyed and all, looking very annoyed at me and the squeals that I was making. His look shut me up real quick.

Lol. Imagine that. My own cat has his own way of telling me to shut up!

You only need to read the title of my post to see how quickly one's good mood from getting something that you've been wanting (and needing) can extinguish. It's not to say that I am bereft of all good emotions, but... I've had more cheerful days, I guess.

And...I have to admit, I do feel much better after bitching. :)

I Believe

I received this in an email today and it's something that I would like to share with everyone.

A Birth Certificate shows that we were born. A Death Certificate shows that we died. Pictures show that we lived!

I Believe...
That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do love each other.

I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I Believe... That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance, same goes for true love.

I Believe...
That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I Believe... That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with loving words.. It may be the last time you see them.

I Believe... That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I Believe... That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I Believe... That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I Believe... That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I Believe... That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I Believe... That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I Believe... That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I Believe... That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I Believe.... That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I Believe... That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others.. sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I Believe... That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I Believe... That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but, we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe... That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I Believe... Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I Believe... That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
'The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything.

"You Live, You Learn." - Alanis Morissette

I was walking along a street when I noticed the biggest maggots that I've ever seen in my life. Swarming around each maggot were big, black ants. That sight reminded me of the Aryas and the Hariyupians at battle with each other.

Walking past the street again later, I noticed that the 'battle' had ended, and each side had gone back to doing their own thing. I guess the 'fighting' got no where. And it didn't take long for them to come to that realization.

Makes me wonder why we humans aren't always like that.

It's amazing how the most important lessons in life don't always take place in a classroom but can be learnt from just about anywhere and from every being in this world, if you take the time to notice the things and people around you.

High & Dry - Radiohead

This term has proven to be quite taxing (mostly towards the end), and now I find myself feeling really... drained. It was mostly my abnormal psychology assignment that drove my mind over the edge. Left me feeling so ridiculously 'emo.' To the extent that I wasn't even in the mood to keep in touch with friends. I can't even explain why. I think maybe it's because the more challenging an assignment, the more determined I am to do well. And the more stressed out I get, the more I detach myself from people. I don't know. I wanted so badly to do well for this assignment, more than usual. I put alot of effort into it. I wanted to hand it in feeling proud. I did not want to hand in a mediocre assignment.

Perhaps I've been too anal-retentive? (Ha.Ha.)

The thing about stressful terms is that it needs to be followed by a holiday. You know. Time to rejuvenate and put yourself in a better mood, in a better state of mind, so you can start the new term (sigh- again?) and maybe deal with your stressors with a little more optimism, rather than rushing into a new term and carrying over that 'drained-feeling' you had from the last term.

Unfortunately, this is the time of the year where we do not get a holiday. Our finals just ended this morning and the new term begins this Monday. I guess maybe that's why I had such an amazing run today. I pretty much ran my lungs out at the park because of all the pent up frustration that I've been carrying on my shoulders the past couple of weeks. I haven't been running the past couple of weeks due to time constraints and the lousy weather that we've been having. And all of a sudden there's all this energy and I just ran and ran until I couldn't run any longer.

I have to say, running almost always puts me in a better mood. :)

Sticky Labels

"You do it to yourself, you do

And that's what really hurts

Is that you do it to yourself

Just you, you and no one else."

Radiohead's Just

It's funny when you start by reading your friends' blogs, only to find that they've just blogged about something that you wanted to blog about, too.

Sometimes they can take the words right out of your mouth.

But anyways. An innocuous blog entry then.

Abnormal Psychology has proven to be, by far, the coolest subject that I've taken. After learning about the various disorders, GAF ratings and etcetera, I suddenly find myself trying to cluster people in the disorders that we've so far covered in class (even if they don't meet the full criteria of the DSM-IV-TR). And it seems to be happening almost without me thinking twice about it. Putting this sticky label on people, even if they aren't stuck on right.

This term has literally flown by, and the next term is starting so soon. The very week after finals end, as a matter of fact. With the passing of time, with the passing of the year, I am only reminded about how insecure I am about my future. About how uncertain I am about what I want to do after graduation. All I can think is: I need more time to think this through.

Sometimes I wish I could "glue" time, let it be still. Let us "stick ourselves" to this moment a little longer, because we'll know that we're going to miss it when the moment passes.